Holiday munchin'

What I love about the Holiday season is the massive inflow of candy and sweets. Cookies and muffins and sundries of sundries. I bet the great majority of my dental work was a direct result of my eating habits for a 3 week stretch in December. But let me comment on a Christmas staple: The candy cane.

I'm over it. I love the taste, but it is too awkward to actually consume. Unless you bite and chew the damn thing, you wind-up getting it all over your face because it is, basically, a confectionary fishhook. I'm sure there are very effective ways to eat said candy, but I am not interested in candy eating technology or methodology. Candy. Mouth. Now. That's all I am interested in.

Yes, adulthood is a bewildering planet to Rube Waddell.

Lindsay Lohan and the Fall of the Western Civilization

It was recently demanded of me that I write more about pop princesses and less about me. While the sting of this may last through the impending new year... I do aim to please. So throughout the next few weeks I will be submitting a series...

Part One: The Fall of the Western Civilization, case study: Lindsay Lohan

Let me tackle the topic of one Lindsay Lohan. I once saw Miss Lohan in person. It was at a party. She surrounded herself with a posse of fat girls. (not phat... FAT) girls. This was when L2 was a bit... ahem... plumper than her current ACC diet. (alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine). Look. Big girls are big girls... we're not all Kate Moss... and THAT'S FINE!! But surrounding yourself with fat girls to make yourself look thinner? Sorry... we're smarter than that!

There were also rumors that she underwent breast augmentation. You don't need to be a doctor to know that she has big fat fake boobs. It's really obvious. I'm not criticizing. She's trying to sell herself. She's her own marketing vehicle... DON'T LIE ABOUT IT! AND DON'T GET BIG FAT FAKE BOOBS and then sign on to do Herbie 2: Fully Loaded. (I don't feel I need to insert a joke here.)

Her dad's crazy... which is fun for us. He actually called her out on her partying and drug use! "DAD! You're totally embarrassing me! Mom let's me do whatever I want because I give her 15%." Of course he beats up family members... so he's not the patriarchal saint we all wish he was.

Her album and video is terrible... unless you like teenage big fat fake boobs flopping around. If you do... watch the video on mute. I watched all of ten seconds... I then ran to the bathroom and damaged my inner ear trying to cram a Q-Tip™ in as far as I could. But I could never get my ears clean enough.

This girl is a barely decent actress who markets herself as a red-head Paris Hilton and dumb people are interested. I do as much as I can to avoid her... but her pointless exploits are shoved in my face on a daily basis!

ALSO!!!! All I see in the tabloids and US Weekly are photos and reports of her partying at clubs and bars... usually wasted out of her freckled head, dancing on a table, whipping her boobs around. Umm... aren't these establishments required to follow the California and New York Liquor laws? "Lindsay Lohan celebrates her 18th birthday at Club Xes" Hmmm... 18th birthday. Bar. 21 age limit. 18? 21? Hmmm... maybe she sports a really good fake ID and the bouncers don't believe that the paparazzi are yelling "Lindsay Lohan! Look over here" at her.

So this is the example set for all the little girls around the world. Ashlee Simpson, Paris & Nikki Hilton, Britney Spears-Federline, Lindsay Lohan... these are our royalty, the ones all the little girls want to be like. And they are mostly famous for whipping boobs out on the red carpet, dating and dumping guys, hospitalized for "exhaustion" (that's celebrity speak for "minor-OD") Lip-synching after denouncing it.

Let me summarize... I do not find this girl anything more than slightly attractive. She's marketing herself as a horrible person, a hypocrite and a coke vacuum. She can't sing. And when she tries, it's about the media bothering her... THE MEDIA MADE YOU!! You're Alison Lohman without the talent or looks if not for the media, you twit.

Celebrity is not earned, it is given, unfortunately.

Cough Cough Sniffle

I suppose when you live on the bottom of the freakin' world... on a giant ice cube... getting colds would be part of the deal. But none-the-less... it sucks. How can a man of modest size, like myself, produce so much phlegm and snot? It's AMAZING.

Needless to say... fever-induced introspection has led me to the following:

Why do we tend to enjoy soup only when sick? I LOVE soup. Why don't I eat it when I am healthy and I can enjoy it with better functioning taste buds? So I have proclaimated to eat soup all the time. At least a few times a week. Long live soup.

80's Movies

What life lessons can we cull from 80's movies.

Sensitive Jocks ALWAYS get the girls... this theory carried thru to American Pie and the immortal Chris Klein.

INsensitive Jocks always start out with the girls... but lose them... and in extreme cases (see Heathers) can be framed in a double homoerotic suicide.

Being a Nerd doesn't always pay off. Revenge of the Nerds teaches us one lesson... but the Molly Ringwald holy trilogy (Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles) teaches us that one might get good will and a solid platonic friendship... but sex is an iffy proposition. In Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hall is the only one who DOESN'T hook up!!

When in doubt, flip thru a couple back issues of OMNI and Popular Science. Find a Barbie Doll, attach her to a battery... and Voila! Kelly Le Brock.

Lovable Losers very often mow lawns.

Bigoted insensivity can be HILARIOUS! (see Long Duk Dong, Lamar, etc.) imagine trying to pull of those characters in today's politically correct world!!

Anthony Michael Hall + Molly Ringwald = Classic

Anthony Michael Hall + Uma Thurman = Johnny B. Good -- Go figure.

I'm sure I will here more from my loyal readers!

Kobe, Karl and Vanessa

Okay. So now Kobe Bryant is saying the rift between he and Karl Malone is because Karl allegedly made inappropriate comments to his wife Vanessa. Kobe said they were like brothers, great friends. Okay. My friends make all sorts of inappropriate comments to my wife. And by Karl's inappropriate comments, I refer to bad jokes. "Who's your daddy" type jokes. Any of the web articles on this are high comedy. ESPN.com, yahoo.com both have detailed stories.

But I have a unique spin on this one. PERHAPS... Vanessa told Kobe about the comments so Kobe would get all hissy and further ruin his reputation and give MORE people a reason to hate him as REVENGE. Seems pretty cunning... but is it farfetched? You KNOW the divorce is coming soon to a theatre near you... so why not flood the toilet on the way out?

The destruction of the reputation of Kobe Bean Bryant is like Christmas everyday to me.

Britney... the fall continues

From our friends at iMDb.com:

Spears Stinks Out Plane with Feet
Pop beauty Britney Spears' smelly feet upset her fellow airplane passengers recently. The "Toxic" singer was flying from Los Angeles to New York with her husband Kevin Federline and decided to make herself more comfortable by removing her shoes. Unfortunately for her fellow passengers, Britney's feet caused such a stink it wasn't long before they were forced to complain to a stewardess. One says, "The smell was unbelievable. One woman had a word with the air hostess, then three or four others complained. "She looked pretty embarrassed as she tapped Britney on the shoulder and asked her very politely to put her shoes back on. "Britney went red, laughed and said her shoes made her feet stink. Thankfully she put them on. There's no way we could have put up with that."

Wow! This never happened to Madonna... or even Chrissy Aguilara... I guess when you use public gas station bathrooms barefoot, stinky feet is part of the deal. Seriously, the rapid deterioration of Mrs. Federline shocks even me. I always knew she was a chubby, poorly mannered hillbilly trapped in a unreal body that was not built to last a few years... and I was right. But this is just shocking. Stinky feet? Pop-stars don't get stinky feet. Rock stars, sure! Athletes, why not? Politicians, comes with the territory. But pop-stars? gross!

It's just a matter of time before she starts whoring herself out to a reality series like Jessie Simpson-Lachey. **Note to the new Daisy Duke... usually you wait until your career is flagging to resuscitate it. This is called premature-resuscitation. It's like using a full Coffee-Bean pink card on a small coffee for $1.45. NO! WAIT! ORDER A LARGE PEPPERMENT VANILLA ICE BLENDED WITH AN EXTRA SHOT!!!!*** back to Britney: I am using my clairvoyance to make a prediction.. Britney will attempt a comeback via a tacky MTV reality show... but it will only make things worse for her. And what's with Federline? The longer this goes on, the more convinced I am he is either a) supplying her with drugs, b) is hung like Tommy Lee, c) both. Sorry, he just doesn't strike me as a catch. One more prediction: When they divorce, someone will use the headline "Oops, I did it again." and people with think it's clever. And I will gag.

I think Axl Rose said it best: "It's so easy"

Bonds, Mastercard and Pie

It has been reported that MLB and Mastercard have scrapped a planned promotion celebrating Barry Bonds' quest to become the all-time homerun king, passing Hank Aaron.

To this I say...

Huzzah.

Justice, like pie, is to be served one slice at a time to be fully appreciated.

Coffee... and world domination

What if.... the coffee companies of the world banded together to form a mega coffee company and slowly... like by 5 cents a week raised the price of coffee to astronimcal amounts. We're addicted. We'd pay! (Cigarette prices in NYC prove this) They could rule the world!!! They could get the government involved and growing coffee beans could be illegal like growing pot. They could just cut the supply lines of coffee for a week and the world (at least the United States coastal cities) would ground to a halt! Therefore, in the interest of all people of the world... hoard coffee... before it's too late. And powdered vanilla too! Coffee Bean uses powdered vanilla which if infinitely superior to the squirted liquid Starbucks uses. Yes, Rube Waddell prefers a little vanilla in if coffee... or a vanilla latte. It's the little things, kids... the little pleasures that make the world go 'round. Enjoy it before big brother takes it away. He who controls the coffee, controls the people who work on computers, control the internet, control the information, control the world.

The Return of Rube

Guess who's back? Back again? Rube is back! Tell a friend!

I have returned to the world of blogging. I have returned to fill the void of truth that has been present since my hiatus. I intend to fill this void of truth with actual truth. Trust me, I have answers. All the answers. I have answers to questions that have yet to be asked. That haven't been thought of.

Let me kick off my return with the following:

There has been a lot of talk about moral decisions recently. Athletes fighting fans and taking steroids. The war in Iraq and prisoner misconduct. Paul Stanley of KISS performing in a canadian version of Phantom of the Opera. This is leaving people asking why? why? why?

I have my own question: Why? Why, Mr. Mike Nichols... would you shoot, then cut full frontal nude scenes of Natalie Portman for your recent film Closer? And why would you tell us you shot it and cut it? To tease us? To stroke your own artisitc ego? To sound like a protective uncle? SHE agreed to shoot it. SHE didn't have a problem with it. I hope you eat tainted meat and get a mild food poisoning. (I will reserve further, harsher punishment until after I see the film for myself.)

Mike Nichols wins jerk of the day.